Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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