yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
