before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
