So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize