wakey wakey hands off snakey
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
