Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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