Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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