I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
