Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She needs sedatives and a leash
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
