anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
