its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i believe in u and ur pee
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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