id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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