the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Mom said you looked used
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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