I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
