my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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