Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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