This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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