I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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