good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
