She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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