my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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