I met the friendliest cop last night
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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