if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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