I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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