Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I cockslap morals
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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