Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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