Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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