He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
