i just wanna soil my oats bro
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
