I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
