she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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