last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
