I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
