actually, I'm a sock model
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
