did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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