I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
