I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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