The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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