there's paper in my vomit.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
