I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
