I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
