i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
