my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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