if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
