Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
