my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
