Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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