My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
