If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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