yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
