Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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