I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
