Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
