I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So apparently I’m into choking now
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
