It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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