Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
