Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just threw up on my dentist
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
