Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize